Well, well, well… How the mighty have fallen! This time last year my humble little blog was doing well. Really well, in fact. I had built something to be proud of and I was doing pretty well myself. Then it all went “tits up”. It’s been the best part of a year since I last posted anything of substance. And for that, I feel like shit!
The thing that has prompted me to start blogging again is self-respect. Lately, other than drinking gin and fizz at the weekends, I’ve totally neglected to do anything for me. And does drinking constitute doing something I should be proud of? Nope! PCOS has taken over my mind, body and soul. I hate it. My hormones and emotions are everywhere, my weight is less than desirable (although nowhere near as bad as it was at Christmas, when I was the heaviest I’ve been in my life 😱), and I’m just in a crappy place, personally. I was sat tonight googling all kinds of weight loss “quick fixes” and planning whether to go back to Weight Watchers or join Slimming World, or bankrupt myself doing something more dramatic. I’ve even researched weight loss surgery (for about 20 seconds), after what a rather insensitive consultant with no idea about PCOS said to me back in February.
To totally jump off topic, why do some people, even those with medical degrees, not accept that PCOS exists?
Anyway, I’ll try to get to my point. I had a eureka moment. My problem is not that I am simply a fat, greedy bastard (contrary to what many people think of us obese girls). Nor am I a lazy cretin. I do above and beyond my 10,000 steps each day, and since March I have been working with nutritionalists to monitor my diet. I keep my calories down and do alright. Yes, I have splurges with food- and maybe these have been more frequent lately, thanks to a bit of emotional eating combined with self-sabotage. What I have decided, is that my diet, albeit on paper a good one, is all wrong for me. I need to get to the root of my problem, and sort the PCOS out once and for all.
Until then fitting into a size 12 is not a priority. Until then, having our much longed for second baby is no longer a priority (ok, in the long run it is, but I’m only 30 so I’m going to chill out for 12 months or so). I need to be happier in my own skin and I need to have control over this syndrome that controls so much of me at the moment.
My main priorities, therefore, will now be:
- Controlling my depression and anxiety- although I’m not crippled by either daily, luckily, both are creeping heavily back into my life, and I just don’t have room or time for them, so they need to kindly do one!
- Sorting my diet to suit my body and my needs, not bothering about society and other people.
- Increasing my capacity for decent exercise- the walking is great but I think I’m ready for a bit more. I hate to admit it, but I do always feel so much better after I’ve worked out in some way.
I am working with the hypothesis that if I solve the above issues, the weight loss will come more easily, and then I’ll ovulate (something I haven’t done in the past 6 months). Here’s hoping!
Fabulousandus is now going to be all about my new journey. It’s not about losing weight (that’ll be a bonus); it’s about me discovering what works for me, and hopefully helping other people who are stuck with PCOS too. There might still be some fashion and beauty information- it’s all about doing what makes me feel better, after all! There may even still be some reviews. And if I’ve time I’ll post the odd rant!
I’m off to do some more research… Whilst watching Harry Potter, because I’m really grown up like that!
Stay tuned to see how this PCOS journey goes. I’m going to need some support!